People that know my style would never imagine me to utter the words “Do Not Become A Servant Leader.” However, here I am. A while back, I was at an engineering leadership conference in San Francisco, yes, The City of Love. A CTO got up on stage, and she basically said “F… Servant Leadership – Engineers should be happy these days if they even have a job!”

In the audience, there was some reluctant clapping, a few gasps and quiet a few looks of being taken aback. It was a bold statement being made at a conference held in The City of Love. A city known as a forward-thinking industry that had taken on a belief in Servant Leadership. She went on to talk about the challenges of being successful in times of great change. She underscored that this did not leave a lot of room for allowing team members to do what they wanted or loved most.

I approached the speaker as she came off stage. Then, I congratulated her on being willing to speak so boldly on a this topic. Lastly, I pointed out that Servant Leadership had shifted to being misunderstood. It had drifted from true leadership in service into servitude, where leaders act as servants to those they lead. She thanked me for calling out the distinction and said she appreciated it. In fact, she agreed this was a better way to engage as a leader. That is was better to act not as a servant to desires, but as a leader in service of growth. Growth that was aligned with business growth and customer value.

Being Kind Instead of Being Nice

The distinction between Servant Leadership and servitude often comes down to being nice instead of being truly kind. Niceness is about doing what will immediately make someone comfortable or happy, often by smoothing rough edges and avoiding conflict. Kindness, in contrast, is about challenging people in ways that stretch their abilities. Also to do this while believing they are capable of more. This distinction is profound, especially during times of rapid change.

A kind leader does not simply shield their team from problems. Instead, they frame discomfort as a necessary path to resilience, pride, and deeper satisfaction. This is where the framework of Learned Resilience becomes essential. As outlined in the document, a leader in service of growth introduces “right-sized challenges”. These are tasks that are difficult enough to trigger frustration and growth. Yet they should not so overwhelming that they cause a “snap” or a shutdown. This approach, much like a progressive strength training program, builds a team’s capacity. It builds incrementally so they can tackle larger challenges in the future.

The Gift Perspective

This also ties directly to the philosophy of Everything as a Gift. A leader in service helps their team see every setback, critique, and failure as a gift. This is an opportunity to learn and grow rather than an obstacle to be avoided. This mindset helps to disarm criticism and transforms moments of potential shame into sources of wisdom and strength. By reframing setbacks this way, a leader helps quiet the inner saboteur, the voice that whispers “I’m not good enough”. This creates a positive feedback loop of effort, progress, and small wins that build authentic self-belief.

Ultimately, true kindness requires honesty, courage, and challenge, not superficial niceness. This is the essence of a leader acting in service of another’s growth and flourishing through struggle. As a leader, your role is not to remove all discomfort. It is to equip and support people as they face challenges so they can emerge more capable and fulfilled.

Supporting Perspectives

  • Brené Brown (Dare to Lead, 2018). Brown argues that clear, tough conversations are a form of kindness. She suggests avoidance in the name of “niceness” is ultimately unkind.
  • Angela Duckworth (Grit 2016). Duckworth emphasizes that perseverance through difficulty builds strength and satisfaction, highlighting why protecting people from challenge undermines their growth.
  • Carol Dweck (Mindset, 2006). Dweck shows that treating challenges as opportunities fosters a growth mindset, while avoiding them fosters stagnation.
  • Julie Lythcott-Haims (How to Raise an Adult, 2015). Lythcott-Haims warns that over-nurturing (niceness) produces dependence, while fostering independence (kindness) produces resilience.

Multipliers are not Accidental Diminishers

In her book, Multipliers, How the Best Leaders Make Everyone Smarter, Liz Wiseman introduces the notion of the “Accidental Diminisher“. This is a well-intentioned leader who, despite their desire to serve, inadvertently stifles their team’s intelligence, capability, and ownership. By offering solutions or speaking first, they diminish motivation, creativity, ambition, and engagement. This behavior may feel like Servant Leadership, but it is actually a form of servitude. It robs individuals of the very challenges that foster growth and resilience.

A leader’s instinct to “save the day” by providing answers directly clashes with the core principles of Learned Resilience. This framework emphasizes that growth comes from navigating challenges independently, not from being shielded from them. By prematurely offering solutions, an Accidental Diminisher denies their team the chance to take “atomic steps.” This discourages them from engaging in the iterative process of trial, reflection, and learning. This overprotection may prevent mistakes, but it also prevents the development of “earned confidence” that comes from overcoming difficulty.

Furthermore, operating as an Accidental Diminisher pushes a team away from the Edge of Chaos. This is the very place where innovation and evolution thrive. This is the critical transitional zone between rigidity and randomness where new patterns can emerge. By insisting on providing the right answer, a leader creates a culture of order and stagnation. In contrast, a leader who acts in genuine service of growth empowers their team to engage with complexity, learn from feedback loops, and discover novel solutions that might never have been found otherwise. This approach not only builds a stronger team but also creates a more resilient and adaptive organization.

The Edge of Chaos is more rewarding that a Place of Safety

In biology, science, and business, the greatest evolution for an individual or organization occurs not in a state of absolute safety or complete chaos, but at the The Edge of Chaos. This is the critical transitional zone between rigidity and disorder where systems remain adaptable enough to pivot yet are structured enough to execute. A leader striving to be a servant leader might instinctively try to minimize chaos, believing this creates a sense of safety for their team. However, as the document on the Edge of Chaos explains, this overcorrection toward order leads to stagnation, mirroring the fate of companies like Blockbuster.

Instead of shielding people from all disruption, a leader in true service embraces the necessary level of chaos. They understand that disruption can become an opportunity for growth and where new patterns emerge. This is where a company’s anti-fragility is forged—the ability to not just withstand shocks but to grow stronger because of them. Operating at this edge allows for radical innovation, such as a Japanese automaker replacing a screw with a clip, or Netflix pivoting from DVDs to streaming. This approach redefines the system entirely, creating exponential leaps rather than just incremental improvements.

Leaders who thrive in this environment are not reckless, but prudent thrill-seekers. They channel fear as fuel for productive urgency, rather than allowing it to paralyze their teams with panic. This is a core tenet of Learned Resilience—that the conscious, repeated engagement with prudent challenges is what builds strength, confidence, and a durable ability to navigate an unpredictable world. The most rewarding work is therefore found not in a place of safety, but in the dynamic, learning-rich environment of the Edge of Chaos.

Learned Resilience Comes through Challenging

Learned Resilience framework: return above baseline and reach higher peaks through right-sized challenges and the focus–friction–rest cycle.

The concept of Learned Resilience ties together resilience, growth through challenge, and leadership in service of growth for individuals and businesses. It’s a proactive, repeatable framework for deliberately choosing challenges that stretch, but don’t “snap” capabilities. Unlike basic “bounce-back” resilience, which is about returning to a baseline after a setback, Learned Resilience focuses on building forward by progressively increasing capacity. It is a skill deliberately cultivated through cycles of challenge, reflection, and recovery—not an innate trait.

A leader in service of growth understands this dynamic. Instead of avoiding difficulty, they introduce disruptive challenges prudently and incrementally, with reassessment along the way. This approach aligns with the principle of “progressive difficulty,” much like an athlete’s strength training. Each successfully navigated challenge builds what you call “earned confidence” and strengthens the neural pathways for resilience. This process is deeply rewarding, as the struggle itself, when overcome, is what builds pride and satisfaction. The leader’s role is to ensure these challenges are a manageable stretch and not an overwhelming “snap,” turning adversity into a proving ground for continuous learning and success.

Everything as a Gift

Ganeshas-Gift-small

The philosophy of Everything as a Gift is the core belief that every setback, critique, failure, or challenge should be seen as a gift. It is a disruption that sparks growth rather than an obstacle to be avoided. This mindset is fundamental for a leader who is truly in service of their team’s growth, as it transforms the way adversity is perceived and handled.

Instead of seeing criticism as a personal attack, a leader in service receives it with gratitude and curiosity. This approach disarms hostility and creates an opportunity for productive dialogue, inspiring a team to view all feedback as a chance to learn and adapt. As detailed in the document on this topic, embracing critique as a gift engages a positive neurochemical response in the brain, fostering a culture where teams feel safe to take smart risks and learn from mistakes without fear of blame. This is the difference between a team that operates from a place of fear and one that is driven by a desire for continuous improvement.

This framework is a powerful tool for developing Learned Resilience. By reframing a challenge as a gift, a leader helps their team quiet their inner saboteur—the voice of self-doubt that whispers “I’m not good enough”. Each time a challenge is met, understood, and learned from, it reinforces a positive feedback loop, building authentic confidence and a desire for the next “right-sized challenge”. A leader acting in service of their team’s growth doesn’t just help them endure storms; they help them find a way to become stronger and more capable as a result of facing them.

Helicoptering / Over-Protection

Coddling, helicoptering, or micromanaging—whether by parents or leaders—may look like service, but this overprotection undermines growth. By constantly stepping in to “save the day,” leaders deny individuals, teams, and even customers the chance to grow stronger through struggle. True leadership is not about shielding people from discomfort; it’s about equipping and supporting them as they face challenges. This overprotection is closer to servitude, where people are shielded, rather than genuine service, where they are empowered to grow.

This idea aligns with the concept of Learned Resilience, which is the capacity to transform challenges into growth through repeated, conscious engagement with progressively greater adversity. A leader who helicopters their team prevents this vital process, as they remove the “right-sized challenges” necessary for growth. As outlined in the document on Learned Resilience, this practice can lead to learned helplessness, where people stop trying because they are conditioned to believe their efforts won’t matter. In contrast, a leader in service helps their team navigate challenges that stretch, but don’t snap, their capabilities.

Ultimately, true service sometimes requires letting people wrestle with hardship so they can emerge more capable and fulfilled. This is the essence of fostering a mindset where setbacks are seen not as threats, but as gifts. This belief is critical because it’s through overcoming difficulty that individuals build confidence in their own capacity and experience the deep joy of accomplishment. A leader’s role is to be a mentor and an ally, helping their team navigate adversity rather than insulating them from it.

Supporting Perspectives

  • Julie Lythcott-Haims (How to Raise an Adult, 2015). Lythcott-Haims argues that helicopter parenting creates dependency and anxiety, undermining resilience and competence.
  • Angela Duckworth (Grit, 2016). Duckworth emphasizes that perseverance through difficulty is the core ingredient for achievement and satisfaction, not avoidance of struggle.
  • Carol Dweck (Mindset, 2006). Dweck shows that challenge and even failure are essential for developing a growth mindset and long-term success.
  • U.S. Army Resilience Training (Comprehensive Soldier Fitness) This emphasizes that counterproductive thinking and over-protection prevent soldiers from building resilience; growth requires facing difficulty directly.

Happiness through Challenge

Arthur C. Brooks, a Harvard professor and writer on happiness, has consistently shown that true fulfillment comes from happiness through service and struggle, not from ease or self-gratification. The deepest pride and satisfaction emerge when we engage in challenges that create value for others. This is the essence of a leader acting in genuine service, as opposed to servitude: leadership is not about pleasing people in the moment, but about serving their growth and flourishing through challenge.

This perspective is directly tied to the principles of Learned Resilience. A leader who fosters an environment of growth understands that the satisfaction of the pursuit itself is a powerful motivator. This is often experienced when individuals overcome a “right-sized challenge” — a task that is difficult but achievable. The act of persevering through this struggle builds what you call “earned confidence” and reinforces the belief that effort can lead to growth. This process is fueled by the brain’s reward system, where successfully navigating a challenge releases dopamine, cementing a positive association with overcoming adversity.

Furthermore, a leader in service helps their team see every difficulty as part of a larger, meaningful journey. This aligns with the philosophy of Everything as a Gift, where setbacks, critiques, and even failures are reframed not as obstacles, but as opportunities for learning and improvement. By fostering this mindset, leaders help their teams find a deeper joy and purpose in their work, sparking a satisfaction that far surpasses simply addressing immediate wants or desires.

Radical Candor: Giving and Receiving as an Act of Service

Kim Scott’s framework of Radical Candor is a powerful tool for a leader in service of their team. The core of this approach lies in the intersection of “caring personally” and “challenging directly”. This directly opposes “Ruinous Empathy,” where a leader avoids giving tough feedback to be “nice,” ultimately holding their team back. A leader who practices radical candor understands that true kindness requires honesty and the courage to engage in difficult conversations.

This approach is rooted in the belief that criticism can be a gift. Instead of a “you messed up” face-to-face confrontation, a leader can adopt a shoulder-to-shoulder perspective, framing feedback as an opportunity for joint problem-solving. This collaborative mindset is far more likely to be received with curiosity than with defensiveness, especially when the leader assumes positive intent and genuinely believes in the employee’s potential.

A leader who masters radical candor also teaches their team to receive it well. By modeling how to welcome even aggressive or obnoxious feedback as a chance to discover where they can be stronger, the leader disempowers the negative intent and turns a potential attack into a productive exchange. This practice of giving and receiving candid feedback reinforces a culture of continuous learning and growth, making it a powerful ritual for any team that seeks to thrive, not just survive.

Weathering Storms Through the Valley of Death

Weathering Storms - The Secret to Startup Success

Weathering Storms through the “Valley of Death” may not sound appealing, but these crucibles are where Learned Resilience is forged. For individuals and organizations alike, the experience of surviving near-death moments can be transformational—a rite of passage to higher levels of capability and strength. In the frame of Servant Leadership versus servitude, storms reveal a critical difference: servitude attempts to shield people from the valley, but true leadership in service equips them to walk through it.

A leader in service understands that to thrive at the The Edge of Chaos, a team must embrace adversity head-on. They don’t panic when faced with an existential threat, but instead channel fear into productive urgency. This approach is about seeing crises not as something to avoid, but as a proving ground for reinvention and meaningful breakthroughs. By embracing storms as growth through disruption, leaders help their teams emerge more capable, more resilient, and more fulfilled.

This is a stark contrast to the leader in servitude, who seeks to eliminate all hardship. A company that has never navigated a “Valley of Death” is more likely to crumble during its first major crisis. In contrast, a group that has weathered storms together can draw on a shared sense of “earned confidence”. This is the essence of a strong leader’s commitment to their crew, which acts like an anchor in rough seas, providing the guidance needed to navigate a secure passage to the journey’s destination.

Helping Individuals Find Joy in Challenge

A leader’s role is not only to navigate storms themselves but also to help individual contributors (ICs) see those same storms as opportunities. Too often, ICs fall into the trap of expecting to be protected, yet the path to satisfaction and pride lies in refining their craft, persevering through difficulty, and creating value for customers. At the highest level, this means finding purpose in the growth each challenge provides, a message that reminds us to learn to love the job we’re in if we can’t be in the job we love.

This daily discipline of seeing every critique, setback, and failure as a chance to improve is the essence of Everything as a Gift. This mindset is not about blind optimism; it’s a strategic approach that transforms adversity into fuel for personal evolution. When leaders help their teams embrace this philosophy, they are giving them the tools to build a lasting sense of fulfillment that transcends any single role or project.

Leaders serve best when they cultivate this mindset, acting as an “Other Voice”. This means they don’t rescue ICs from discomfort; they equip them to reframe it as growth. This type of support is vital for building Learned Resilience, preparing individuals to thrive at the The Edge of Chaos by transforming challenges into competence and confidence. This approach ultimately benefits the organization by fostering a team that is more capable, resilient, and deeply committed to continuous improvement.

Beyond the Buzzword: Lessons from the Critics

Much of the modern conversation around servant leadership has drifted into buzzword territory, often reducing leadership to “being nice.” However, the most thoughtful critiques converge on a few deeper truths. A nuanced understanding of these lessons is crucial for any leader who aims to serve their team’s growth without falling into the trap of servitude.

Key Truths from the Critics

  • No one style fits all. Effective leaders adapt, sometimes serving, sometimes directing, and sometimes stepping back, based on the needs of the moment and the people .
  • Kindness is not the same as niceness. True care includes challenge, as leaders who only comfort their teams rob them of the growth and pride that comes from struggle.
  • Self-care enables service. Leaders who exhaust themselves in the name of serving others end up unable to serve anyone effectively.
  • Results matter alongside people. Serving employees without delivering outcomes is not leadership; it’s avoidance. Great leaders hold the tension between individual growth and organizational goals.
  • Authority has its place. A leader who becomes invisible in the name of service risks losing influence and depriving their team of necessary resources.
  • Not all needs should be met. Leaders who try to fulfill every request can unintentionally create dependency. The real task is to help people learn to own their own needs.
  • Care is broader than service. A more grounded model is “caring leadership,” which balances care for self, for others, and for the mission, without slipping into subservience.

In other words, the essence of servant leadership—leading with a heart for others—remains powerful, but only when tempered with authority, adaptability, and an unwavering eye on results.

In Summary: Lead in Service, Not Servitude

To lead in service of your team, rather than as a servant to them, remember these core principles:

  • Offer challenges, not comfort. Equip your team to face and overcome “right-sized challenges” that stretch their capabilities, which is the foundational practice of Learned Resilience. Don’t remove obstacles; help them learn from them.
  • Reframe adversity as a gift. Teach your team to see every setback, critique, or failure as a valuable learning opportunity, not a personal attack. This mindset fosters emotional strength and encourages continuous improvement.
  • Embrace the Edge of Chaos. Guide your team to operate in the dynamic space between order and disorder, where innovation and adaptation thrive. Avoid over-management that leads to rigidity and stagnation.
  • Promote ownership, not dependency. Resist the urge to “helicopter” or solve every problem for your team. Instead, empower them to find their own solutions, building their confidence and sense of ownership over time.
  • Prioritize results and purpose. Ensure individual growth is always aligned with the organization’s goals. A leader’s role is to serve both the people and the mission without sacrificing one for the other.

The Coup de Grâce: Letting Go as a Final Act of Service

Letting someone go is often considered the antithesis of Servant Leadership. A crucial distinction, however, exists between a leader in servitude and a leader in service. While a leader in servitude might avoid the difficult conversation to preserve an individual’s comfort, a leader in genuine service understands that true kindness sometimes requires letting people wrestle with hardship so they can emerge more capable and fulfilled. This can extend to making the difficult decision to terminate employment.

While firing someone may feel like an act of “tough love” that goes too far, it can be a necessary and ultimately beneficial step for everyone involved. The deepest satisfaction often comes from the work we are meant to do, and a misfit in a role can cause unhappiness. In such cases, the Coup de Grâce, or a final, decisive act, can be a catalyst for a person to find a better, more aligned path. A leader’s responsibility is not just to an individual, but to the entire team and the mission itself. Prioritizing the health, morale, and performance of the collective requires a leader to make difficult decisions for the greater good.

This act, when done with transparency and empathy, reinforces a culture of accountability and psychological safety for the remaining employees. It prevents the kind of overprotection that robs people of the very challenges that cultivate resilience, pride, and satisfaction. By addressing difficult personnel decisions with care and integrity, a leader demonstrates that their commitment to the team is unwavering, even when facing the hardest tasks. This ensures that the leader is truly in service of the team’s long-term health and growth, rather than a servant to one person’s immediate comfort. For a more detailed guide on how to handle these conversations and the offboarding process, see the document on Departure Rituals.

See Also

  • Learned Resilience (Talent Whisperers).
    Ties together resilience, growth through challenge, and leadership in service of growth for individuals and businesses by introducing challenges that stretch, but don’t snap capabilities and what’s possible. It discusses taking on disruptive challenges prudently and incrementally with (re)assessment along the way leading to growth, continuous learning, and success.
  • The Edge of Chaos (Atomic Rituals) .
    The notion that in biology, science and business, the most evolution for an individual organism or an organization occurs not in a steady-state, safe place of comfort nor in a space of complete random chaos, but on the edge of chaos where patterns can still be discovered and systems implemented.
  • Everything as a Gift (Atomic Rituals).
    The notion that every setback, critique, failure, or challenge can and should be seen as a gift. It may pose a risk and some fear may be healthy, but complacency and avoidance can be equally as deadly as panic.
  • Weathering Storms (Talent Whisperers).
    Explores how the path to success for most successful businesses (and individuals) comes from experience of learning what it takes to sruvive near or real existential crises.
  • Radical Candor (Talent Whisperers).
    Radical Candor is an overlooked asset in creating high-performance teams when that candor is built upon a foundation of trust. I’ve discovered that evoking transformation can often require radical candor. 
  • Departure Rituals (Atomic Rituals)
    Explores departure rituals as an essential yet often overlooked component of organizational culture and operational effectiveness. How and when to let people go has a profound impact on team morale, company culture, and the organization’s long-term reputation. 

External Sources

Similar Thoughts on Servant Leadership

  • You Should Not Be A Servant Leader By Greg Haren
    A critique of treating servant leadership as the “one best style,” arguing instead that effective leaders must flex and blend multiple styles to meet the needs of individuals, teams, and situations.
  • The Problem with Servant Leadership (and How to Lead Instead) By Scott Mautz
    Identifies four pitfalls of classic servant leadership—being too soft, lacking authority, clashing with command-and-control leaders, and over-serving subordinates—and proposes “Others-Oriented Leadership” as a more balanced alternative that blends service with authority and multi-directional influence.
  • Servant Leadership is NOT What You Think By John Todorovic
    Highlights the overlooked challenges of servant leadership—such as time demands, reduced authority, and burnout—while offering practical ways to lead effectively through authenticity, communication, empathy, and fostering a culture of service.
  • My Top 5 Reasons Not to Be a Servant Leader By Nannette Coerlin
    Argues that servant leadership, as commonly portrayed, neglects self-care, company goals, and accountability, and instead proposes “caring leadership,” which balances care for self, people, and organizational results.

Sources on the view that solving for others bring more satisfaction, pride and happiness.

  • Spending Money on Others Promotes Happiness. (Elizabeth W. Dunn, Lara B. Aknin, & Michael I. Norton (2008). “ Science, 319(5870), 1687–1688).
    A randomized experiment showing people who spend on others report greater happiness than those who spend on themselves.
  • Does Spending Money on Others Promote Happiness?: A Registered Replication Report. (Lara B. Aknin et al. (2020) – Perspectives on Psychological Science, 15(6), 1333–1341).
    Higher-powered studies replicating prosocial spending experiments, reinforcing that giving produces happiness under many conditions.
  • Altruistic Behavior: Mapping Responses in the Brain (Filkowski, M. M., Cochran, R. N., & Haas, B. W. (2016). NeuroImage, 129, 1–10).
    A neuroscience review detailing reward circuits activated by altruistic acts, helping explain the satisfaction from doing for others.
  • The Science of Generosity (Greater Good Science Center – 2018).
    White paper summarizing evidence that generosity activates brain reward systems and supports psychological health.