In my time, I’ve not only dealt with processing loss for myself, but also being there for others while they process their loss. No two situations or people are ever the same. This is by no means meant to be prescription. The intent is to offer some ways to think about being there for someone that has experienced a loss. It may help you think about how to be present, patient, curious, and exploratory in ways that might be infectious to help the person experiencing the loss find how to navigate that loss.

Loss takes many forms—death, separation, role transitions, changes in ability—and when someone we care about is in it, it’s natural to want to help. But often, our instincts (to comfort, solve, distract, or advise) aren’t what the grieving person needs most.

Instead, the most transformative support often looks like presence, curiosity, and non-judgment. In Co-Active Coaching terms, we turn toward the principle of Process: sitting with what is, without trying to move around it.

This page is for anyone—coach, leader, friend, or peer—who wants to support someone in loss without overstepping or shutting them down. It offers a flexible arc and examples grounded in the Co-Active approach.

Table of Contents (TOC)

A Coaching Arc for Navigating or Processing Loss

Related Note: Some clients may encounter strong inner voices during loss—what we might recognize as saboteurs (self-judging, minimizing, avoiding) or allies (self-compassion, presence, trust). You may wish to reference the Saboteurs and Allies framework to explore these patterns if they arise.

When a client is experiencing loss—whether of a person, relationship, role, possession, or ability—it often calls for coaching through the Process dimension of the Co-Active model.

This is not a moment to solve or reframe, but to be with what is present: grief, disorientation, sadness, even numbness. Your role as coach is to create a container of curiosity, reverence, and reflection—trusting that the client is naturally resourceful even in the presence of pain.

Loss can take many forms:

  • A person (e.g. death, breakup, estrangement)
  • A role or relationship (e.g. parent, pet, partner, mentor)
  • A thing (e.g. job, status, home, routine, freedom)
  • An ability (e.g. physical, cognitive, artistic—due to injury, age, burnout, etc.)

What unites them is not just what’s gone, but what the loss represented.

When Grief Activates Inner Voices…and Authentically.

  • Saboteurs can show up during loss (e.g., “You should be over this,” “You’re too much,” “You’re alone now”)
  • Allies can be intentionally cultivated (e.g., “I can ask for help,” “Their love still lives in me,” “I am safe to feel this”)

The Co-Active Process Arc (Core Flow)

The Process arc, taught within the Co-Active Coaching Training Insititute, typically includes these coaching movements:

  1. Turn Toward What Is
    Invite presence. Let the client name, feel, or sit with what’s arising—without shifting or solving. “What’s happening right now?”
    “What’s here, even if we don’t have words for it?”
  2. Name It
    Support the client in giving language or metaphor to the experience—emotionally, physically, symbolically. “If this had a shape or texture, what would it be?”
    “What’s the emotion beneath the words?”
  3. Stay With It
    Encourage space for deeper feeling, silence, and acknowledgment. The goal is not to fix, but to deepen the witnessing. “What does it need?”
    “What happens if we just breathe here for a moment?”
  4. Let It Move
    Emotions, once seen, often begin to shift. You’re not causing that shift—you’re holding a space where it’s safe to occur. “What wants to happen next?”
    “If this feeling could move or speak, what would it do?”
  5. Harvest the Wisdom
    Invite the client to reflect: “What did you learn about yourself?”
    “What truth just got revealed?”
    “What now feels clearer?”

This is the emotional and energetic version of “completion” within the Process dimension.

An Arc of Meaningful Presence (Navigating Loss Through Process)

The arc described below parallels the Co-Active arc yet includes some elements I’ve discovered as helpful in the process. Again, there is no single ideal way to be there for a person processing a loss.

1. Honor the Loss Itself

Don’t try to reframe. Just be there.

  • “What happened?“
  • “How are you really doing right now?“
  • “What feels hardest to name out loud?“

Allow emotion. Silence. Breathing. Let them lead. Presence is the gift.

2. Understand What Was Truly Lost

Beneath the event is a role, a rhythm, a relationship.

  • “Aside from the person/job/ability, what did you lose?“
  • “What did they/it give you that you now miss?“
  • “What role did they play for you—emotionally, practically, spiritually?“

Examples: “She always believed in me when I didn’t.” “It gave me a sense of purpose.” “He helped me laugh when I couldn’t.”

What did you lose emotionally, relationally, and somatically? For a deeper lens on how the body holds disconnection, see Loneliness and the Body.

3. Help the Client See What Still Lives in Them

Most losses leave imprints. There is still something to access.

  • “If they were here now, what would you want to ask them?“
  • “How do you imagine they would respond—and why?“
  • “What part of them still lives in you?“
  • “Is there a way you can stay in dialogue with that part?“

This helps them re-source strength, wisdom, or love from within.

Reference the Inner Voices section from Loneliness, and guide the coach to listen for saboteur/ally emergence, especially self-isolating vs self-nurturing voices.

4. Invite New Possibility—Gently

When ready, help them name what they still need.

  • “What are you still missing that they used to provide?“
  • “Where else might you find that support, challenge, humor, belief?“
  • “What could be a small experiment in reconnecting with that quality again?“

5. Co-Create a Step Toward Reconnection

Honor what was. Choose what’s next.

  • “What small experiment might help you reconnect with what you feared was lost?“
  • “What structure could help you stay connected to that quality?“
  • “Would you like to design a way to honor or reclaim that now?”

Sample Process-Focused Questions for Loss

PhasePowerful Questions
1. Naming the Loss“What have you lost?” · “What are you feeling right now?”
2. Understanding the Impact“What did this person/role/thing provide that you miss?” · “What’s missing in your life because of this?”
3. Rediscovering the Imprint“If they could respond to you, what would they say?” · “What part of them still lives in you?”
4. Exploring Recovery“How else might you get that need met?” · “Where else does that quality exist in your world?”
5. Designing Next Steps“What’s one way to honor their influence and keep moving forward?”

Guiding Mindset for Coaches in Process Work

  • Presence over fixing: Let the client feel without rushing to lift them out of it.
  • Curiosity over closure: Explore the emotions and meanings rather than trying to resolve them.
  • Trust over fear: Remember: the client is Creative, Resourceful, and Whole—even when grieving.
  • Invitation over prescription: Offer perspective and possibility only once the client is ready.

The 5-Why Approach for Discovering Deeper Needs

If someone says: “I miss my dad.“

Consider trying:

  1. What do you miss most about him/her?
  2. Why was that part of your connection so important to you?
  3. Why does that matter in the bigger picture of who you are?
  4. What would shift if you had that again—somehow—in your life?
  5. Why would that make things feel more whole?

This is not a formula, but a path to helping someone explore the “truths” under the loss.

Processing Loss - Slowly back on your feet

Appendix I: A Conversation With Someone Who’s Gone

One of the most powerful techniques that spontaneous came about in an interaction with someone that experienced a devastating loss helped me truly re-frame my thinking about this. In navigating loss, especially of a confidante or advisor, is helping the client access the part of them that already holds the connection.

You might try this progression:

“They knew you well, right? And you knew them well too?“

“If you could ask them something right now, what would it be?“

“How do you think they would answer you—and why?“

“So if you know how they’d respond, is it possible that they’re not completely gone—but still with you in a meaningful way?“

“Can you imagine having that conversation again, when you need to?“

This approach helps the clients, team members, friends, family, etc realize that what they fear they lost may still be accessible within them—because they carry the relationship, the memory, and the wisdom. It honors their emotional truth while also pointing gently to their inner strength.

I’ve taken this approach when I decide to leave one job for another. Folks have come to me and asked: “Who will I turn to once you’re gone?” I asked them: “So, what’s on your mind that you would like to ask me today?” They come up with something and share it. I’d say: “OK, I know you and you know me, what question do you expect me to ask you now?” They would recognize that they knew quite accurately what question I would ask them under those circumstances to help them navigate to the answer or solution that best resonated with them and already was within them.

Also, the Ally Voices: Companion Loneliness Inner Voices That Help Us Reconnect section of the Loneliness document might come in handy, especially the notion of “The Relational Anchor.” This voice holds fast to relationships that remain true. It bridges the space between solitude and support.

Appendix II: Navigating Other Forms of Loss (Roles, Abilities, Identity)

Not all grief centers around the loss of a person. The loss of a job, role, home, financial stability, or physical/cognitive ability can also profoundly impact someone’s identity, emotional stability, and sense of purpose.

In these situations, the Process arc remains relevant—especially when we help the person explore not just what was lost, but what that thing represented.

  • A job may have represented purpose, structure, or belonging
  • A physical ability may have provided freedom, self-worth, or connection
  • A role (e.g. parent, leader, caregiver) may have offered clarity, status, or identity

You might ask:

  • “What did that job/ability/role give you that you valued most?”
  • “What part of you feels threatened or missing now?”
  • “What else could support that same need, even partially?”
  • “How might you start reclaiming some of that—differently?”

These aren’t about finding replacements. They’re about creating movement, even gentle movement, toward reclaiming agency and integrating identity.

Appendix III: The Loss of Options Through Choice (Balance & Process)

Sometimes loss comes through a choice—not through accident or tragedy, but through decision. When we choose one path, we inherently let go of others. That letting go can carry a sense of grief, regret, or tension. A choice in front of us can likewise be more difficult as we realize that no matter which choice we make, we will be losing out on things the other options held.

This is where the principle of Balance intersects with Process.

If a client is wrestling with a choice between multiple options (e.g., jobs, locations, relationships), you can explore:

  • “What does each option represent for you?”
  • “What values are tied to each?”
  • “What would you lose by saying no to each?”
  • “Is there a way to honor what’s important about that—without choosing it outright?”
  • “Are there ways to compensate the underlying things you would choose to let go?“

Helping clients, friends, peers, team or family members get to the underlying values of each choice can help them more consciously process what they are letting go—and perhaps design a decision that compensates or reclaims parts of what would otherwise be lost.

Appendix IV: Rediscovering Fulfillment After Loss

Not all recovery from loss is about returning to what was. Often, the deeper work lies in discovering what matters now. Fulfillment enables us to invite others to reconnect with purpose, values, and aliveness—even in the absence of what once gave them meaning.

This might begin by asking:

  • “What value did this person or experience help you live into?”
  • “What did they inspire or awaken in you?”
  • “What feels newly important in their absence?”
  • “What might fulfillment look like for you now, given all that has shifted?”

This is not about erasing the loss—it’s about letting it reshape what someone is moving toward. Likewise, with choice, exploring the underlying potential losses in the context of what fulfills the most can help inform the choice and minimizes the losses that arise from any choice. Loss doesn’t preclude meaning. Sometimes, it helps clarify it.

See Also

Let me know what you’d like to expand, reword, or add—we can easily iterate from here.