Candor Rituals: Trust-First Practices Beyond Radical Candor

Candor Rituals are small, repeatable practices that build enough trust for honest feedback to be heard as help. They grew from my years of applying Kim Scott’s Radical Candor inside fast-growing companies. Her book offers a powerful frame: care personally while challenging directly. In practice, I found that frame lands best when certain conditions are already in place. These include trust, an assumption of positive intent, and a genuine belief in the other person. On this page, we explore five foundational Candor Rituals. We also look at receiving candor, offering it upward, and the unseen influences that shape how feedback lands.

Why Candor Rituals, Not Candor Habits

A habit is something one person does, often when no one is watching. A ritual is something a group does together, when everyone is watching. As I explore in Atomic Rituals, rituals rely on shared ownership, and they live in a team’s workflow, meetings, and culture. That difference matters for candor. One person can build a habit of honest feedback. Yet feedback lands as help only when a team shares the expectations around it: assuming positive intent, asking permission, and receiving candor as a gift. Candor Rituals are those shared expectations, practiced until they become part of how a team works.

Candor Rituals at a Glance

Each of these rituals appears in more depth below. Together, they create the conditions in which honest feedback can be heard as help.

Candor Ritual	What the team practices	Why it builds trust
Assume positive intent	Starting from the belief that everyone means well, whether giving or receiving feedback	Feedback is heard as help rather than attack
Ask permission	Opening with a question such as “May I tell you a hard truth?”	The listener enters the conversation as a participant
Five questions before feedback	Checking intent, value, messenger, and timing before speaking	Only feedback meant to help gets delivered
Shoulder-to-shoulder questions	Confirming that everyone wants the best outcome and no one harbors ill will	People face the problem together, not each other
Separate intent from impact	Naming an effect without assuming bad intent	Curiosity can replace defensiveness
Add yet	Saying “You’re no expert at running meetings yet”	It signals belief in the person’s growth
Offer advice, not feedback	Pointing toward what to do next rather than what went wrong	It comes across as being in service of the recipient
Help me understand	Raising upward concerns with “Help me understand, as I think I’m missing something”	It keeps all perspectives open
Receive criticism as a gift	Thanking the critic and looking for the value in what was said	An attack can become shared learning

An Overlooked Asset

Candor Rituals are an overlooked asset in creating high-performance teams when that candor is built upon a foundation of trust. I’ve discovered that evoking transformation can often require leveraging candor rituals. When properly applied, Radical Candor Rituals can lead to positive transformations resembling metamorphoses. The Harvard Business Review article One Out of Every Two Managers Is Terrible at Accountability starts with:

“Out of all the things we expect of leaders — taking charge, setting strategy, empowering people, driving execution, you name it. What one single behavior would you guess is most often neglected or avoided among executives? Seeing the big picture? No. Delegating? Not either. Mapping out detailed project plans? No again. Although many upper-level managers don’t do these things enough, by far and away the single-most shirked responsibility of executives is holding people accountable.“

Especially in tough times where moral can be low, constructive and inspiring feedback can be the difference between an inspired employee and one that becomes a quiet quitter. Many of the factors that lead to people quitting or quiet quitting.

38 Employee Turnover Statistics to Know The U.S. Average Annual Turnover Rate Is 47 Percent …
Quiet Quitting Statistics Up to 67% of US employees and 85% worldwide could be quiet quitting …

Candor Rituals Also Serve High Performers

While we often think of having tough conversations with low performers, these conversations may be equally valid with top performers. When someone isn’t “meeting expectations” one should ask what expectations does one have? It’s reasonable to have high expectations for top performers and to help them step up to meet their potential. Since Kim Scott published Radical Candor – Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity, leaders are expected to leverage “Radical Candor.“

Candor Rituals: Five Foundational, Atomic Elements

Establish a relationship of trust
In order to have any successful candid conversation, there must be mutual trust. The journey should begin in all cases by establishing trust.
API: Assume Positive Intent
The above sounds good, but the question should be “Trust? Trust in what?” It’s critical both when providing or receiving feedback to trust in positive intent. If you assume positive intent in providing feedback, you are coming from a place of assuming alignment in intent while helping achieve the desired outcome. This breaks down into the following three points. Likewise, it’s difficult to receive feedback if you aren’t convinced of positive intent behind that feedback.
Have the employee’s best interest at heart
Note, if you don’t start with believing it yourself, you’ll not be able to convince them. Once you are sure you have their best interest at heart, you can start to ensure they also recognize that.
Believe in them
As John Maxwell put it “When you believe in someone and demonstrate that belief, they begin believing in themselves too.” Note, they also then start believing in you
Differentiate between Intent and Impact
Without establishing that you believe they have good intent, they will be defensive and not able to absorb constructive feedback.

Putting it to the test

These things are relatively easy to do for our top performers; why should they not apply to others? As part of leadership development at Pure Storage, Laura from Bi-Jingo, LTD gave us a few Performance Based Training sessions. These were on Meaningful Check-ins and Feedback Conversations (I can highly recommend these). Laura opened the session with a question. Raise your hand if you cringe at the thought of a conversation with a challenged employee that holds upward aspirations. As all the hands went up, I reluctantly raised mine as well. I was actually lying by doing so. In truth, I actually enjoy those conversations tremendously.

Adam Grant – 19 word of Feedback Wisdom in 19 Seconds: “I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations, and I’m confident that you can reach them.”

Key take-away if we hope to be high-impact managers:

We worked through four scenarios in separate groups. One employee that showed promise, had high aspirations and expectations. However, they also faced with challenges that prevented them from operating at the level they saw themselves.
We may cringe at the thought of being candid with an employee with challenges. We may be preventing them from actually performing at the level where they see themselves. Perhaps it is us that are not performing as the high-impact managers we’d like to believe we are. Should we not relish these opportunities?

Tough conversations are one of many opportunities for leaders to take on a challenge and have an impact. We can leave an employee empowered and excited to overcome obstacles preventing them from performing at the next level. Approach these conversations from the perspective of having discovered an opportunity to help. Entering the conversation with an optimistic mindset may help the recipient be less defensive and more receptive to feedback.

The Candor Rituals of Don’t Give Feedback, Offer Advice

Adam Grant cites research that suggests the nuance between giving feedback and offering advice can matter as one is looking backward and the other is looking forward. Advice is more actionable and is and comes across as being in service of the recipient.

For Yourself

Especially in tough times, where motivation may be low, where chances of a raise may be slim, and
prospects of a promotion seem distant, …

It’s important to look forward and consider growth opportunities that may arise from tough times.
Now is a time to invest in the future. There may be rewards down the road, when times are better. Times of darkness are times to shine.

For Your Team

Especially in tough times, where motivation may be low, where chances of a raise may be slim, and
prospects of a promotion seem distant, … Provide opportunities to grow and learn. Offer them something to hope and strive for. Offer advice and assistance, not in-actionable feedback.
Turn what may seem like dark prospects for them into a brighter future they have a hand in.

The Candor Rituals of Don’t Motivate, Inspire

Especially in tough times, people may be down due to layoffs and slim prospects of extrinsic motivations like a raise or promotion. These are times were the risk that feedback demotivates is greatest. However, these may also be times where opportunity to shine and have an impact are greatest. That is a great time to look forward and inspire people,. Help them see the opportunity, advise them how they might capitalize on opportunities to invest in their depth and future.

Here too, leveling matrices can come in handy to show what is expected at the next level. As their manager, you can help look for opportunities to acquire skills / demonstrate the ability to perform at that level. Simon Sinek puts it succinctly by suggesting we inspire instead of motivating.

5 Questions to ask before giving feedback

Is your intent positive – to deliver feedback that will help the recipient of the feedback?
Do you believe that whatever action/choice you’re giving feedback on was rooted in good intent even if the outcome was sub-optimal?
Will delivering feedback bring value to the recipient?
Are you the best person to deliver this feedback such that the most value be derived?
Is now the best time to deliver this feedback such that the most value be derived?

Candor Rituals: Leaving the Comfort Zone in Interviews

When interviewing engineers, strive to get them out of their comfort zone. Presenting them with problems they haven’t seen . Use variations until we find something that they’re entirely unfamiliar with. We solve new, hard problems as we innovate. We want to hire engineers who love the challenge of solving really hard problems in innovative ways. Some are exhausted at the end of a day of really tough questions. Challenges may not give them energy. If they’re excited about the opportunity to stretch the limits of their abilities, then they’ve come to the right place.

Similarly for managers; we want managers that love challenges. I’m not saying we have incredibly difficult engineers that pose challenges unlike any manager has seen before 😉 We want to hire/promote managers up to the challenge of taking top talent and finding ways to inspire/challenge them. We’d like to enable them to be great at innovating, collaborating, solving tough problems. We should help them grow past limits that were only imagined.

Growing includes leveraging trainers and bringing in teams like Laura’s to expand our manager tool-set for meeting such challenges. Managers are learning to use Candor Rituals, grounded in Kim Scott’s Radical Candor, and discovering a love and passion for working through challenges. We learn to see the positive impact that can have when leveraged appropriately. Kim Scott, executive coach and author of Radical Candor believes it’s about caring personally when delivering feedback.

Candor Rituals – Where to Begin the Journey

I was asked if saying things positively just comes naturally in a recent coaching/mentoring conversation. It seems to come from a place of genuinely having good intent to help the person we’re delivering feedback to. As described in Where to Begin the Journey, I believe if you don’t have that intention, people will know it. It will help to genuinely state your intention to be helpful; this is a premise that both Scott and Grant underscore. Scott also advises us to be humble as we may be wrong in what we perceived as an issue. Ray Dalio also underscores the cornerstone values of “radical truth” and “radical transparency” in Principles – Life and Work.

In Eric Schmidt’s Trillion Dollar Coach he underscores Bill’s caring with candor. Bill excelled at and modeled building close connections of trust. However, he also provided very direct feedback that may have seemed harsh but always came from a place of caring. At Intuit, I had the privilege of experiencing how that approach permeated management. This was particularly in my time with Brad Smith whom Bill had groomed. I highly recommend Eric’s book to gain further insight into Bill’s hugely successful approach to leadership.

Understand the Root Causes and Influences

Candor Rituals start with curiosity about what else might be shaping someone’s performance. If any employee’s performance has changed, there may be other influences at work that can both affect their performance and any feedback conversations. Similarly, even what happened on the way to work for yourself and/or the other person can influence how a conversation starts out. As such it may also be of value to ask open-ended questions that could help you root cause what other vectors may be at play – see Vectors of Influence.

VP of Engineering, Rukmini Reddy describes the challenges she faced in Becoming a bad-ass engineering leader: 5 tried and true lessons from a woman of color. She makes a clear distinction: Candor is not criticism from her experience. “The difference between feedback that is meant to keep you in your place (criticism) and feedback that is meant to help you grow (candor).”

In High Output Management, Andy Grove makes the distinction

When a person is not doing his job, there can only be two reasons for it.
The person either can’t do it or won’t do it; he is either not capable or not motivated.
To determine which, we can employ a simple mental test:
if the person’s life depended on doing the work, could he do it?
If the answer is yes, that person is not motivated; if the answer is no, he is not capable.
This insight enables a manager to dramatically focus her efforts.
All you can do to improve the output of an employee if motivate and train.
There is nothing else.

Learning to Love Criticism

Over time, Candor Rituals can help people welcome criticism rather than brace against it. As managers, we should strive to find opportunities to dish out constructive criticism in such a way that our employees not only internalize it as inspiration to do more but actually seek out and crave that kind of criticism. Much as employees have learned to love criticism at Bridgewater according to Adam Grant. Or love to foster creativity as it’s done on the Daily Show by not fearing criticism; we should strive for the same.

Naturally, not every approach works with everyone in every situation. We strive to build relationships of trust and understanding so that we have the context to customize the interactions to the best outcome. Likewise, we need to navigate each situation according what we discover works in that specific conversation for we may not be conscious of the impact of something that may have transpired at home before work that day for us or our employee that completely changes the frame of mind we each bring into the conversation. As Steven Covey described with the man on the subway in his 7 Habits book, we shouldn’t assume we are aware of all the factors influencing someone else’s behavior.

We strive to hire 10x engineers who love challenges and foster an environment to grow great engineers into phenomenal engineers to become and remain 10x engineers by being 10x managers that also love the challenges of working on various fronts to keep us being a 10x business. Positivity and productivity exist where transparency and challenges are sought out.

Candor Rituals Aided by Curiosity

Sheila Heen in her course on Difficult Conversations, makes the point that we should enter a difficult conversation with a curiosity to understand the other person’s perspective (which typically differs from ours) rather than with the intent to convince them of our perspective. In my experience to be curious about how they feel, where they’re coming from, why their perspective differs from mine and not only be enlightening for me, but it can also reduce the defensive barriers that lets the other person also become more curious about where I’m coming from and why… Sheila further goes on to suggest from coming from a place of seeking blame (looking backwards) to Joint Contribution which assumes that in most situations everyone somehow contributed to a discord.

Intent vs Impact

Separating intent from impact is one of the most useful Candor Rituals I know. In an ally training at work, we were asked some hypothetical questions. One of them was” “If someone were you approach you and say to your face: ‘You are a racist and a bigot!’ how would you feel?” The visceral reaction is of course one of defensiveness. The idea was for us to empathize with someone we might call out. I prefer a reframing: “I’d like to help you understand what you just said could be heard as racist.” This can shift from defensiveness to curiosity, It is a shift from head on confronting them by implying we know another person’s intent when they do or say things to standing next to them and considering the possible impact on others. Regardless of whatever the actual intent may be, this is more likely to allow for a constructive conversation.

The other kind of “Impact” that can be helpful here is helping the other person appreciate the positive impact a change can have on their effectiveness and career.

This can apply in many situations including the workplace. When addressing an issue at work, it can be very different to stand shoulder to shoulder with an employee when looking at a bad outcome from the perspective of together let’s figure out what went wrong to help avoid it in the future – seeing it as an opportunity. It’s more likely to initiate a productive conversation that a face-to-face, finger pointing confrontation a la “you messed up!”

Nose-to-Nose vs Shoulder-to-Shoulder

Candor Rituals work best when both people face the problem together, not each other. When there is conflict in the workplace, it is vital for success to first establish within ourselves that we believe in the other person/people having good intent at their core. Only then should we attempt a conversation with any hope of establishing trust or providing constructive feedback that you hope to be received in a positive manner. Holding this belief ourselves helps us convey our intent of being helpful; this is crucial in allowing others to receive. As humans, our egos have us shut down to feedback and go into defensive or denial mode when we feel attacked.

There are two fundamental questions to ask of all participants before entering into a potentially conflict-laden discussion:

Is there any doubt in anyone’s mind whether everyone here is genuinely solving for the best outcome for the business?
Is there any doubt in anyone’s mind that no one here harbors ill will towards anyone else here?

If everyone feels clear that the answers to both questions above are “no”, then the search for the best outcome will occur shoulder-to-shoulder. If the answer to either question above is “yes” for anyone in the conversation, that needs to be resolved first. Without getting to the bottom of a “yes” to either question, the odds of getting to the optimal solution are very slim.

Note, If the answer are both unanimous “no”s then perhaps there are two follow-on questions:
3. Even with good intentions, does someone believe harm was caused to the business?
4. Even with good intentions, does someone believe harm was caused to another person?

Vectors of Influence

Even well-practiced Candor Rituals can miss when outside forces shape the moment. No matter how carefully you think through, word and time your feedback, it may not land well, and there may be things beyond your control that influence the receptiveness. There may also be things beyond the conversation that influence your ability to deliver the feedback in the moment to that person. So, no matter how much you prepared in advance for the timing and delivery, its also important to check your gut at the start of the conversation on whether the person is in a good state to receive relative to how they usually are. See more at Vectors of Influence.

Fear is Healthy, Panic is Deadly

In hard times, Candor Rituals help leaders respond with healthy fear rather than panic. In the movie Chasing Mavericks, the young surfer returns to the boat after a bad spill. His mentor asks, Why did you panic? The young surfer embarrassingly admits that he was afraid. His mentor comments: “Fear is healthy, panic is deadly.“

When a startup is going through challenging times where staying the course can lead to failure, it is healthy to recognize the risk and consciously course correct – fear is healthy. On the other hand, over-reacting and looking for the first thing or person to point a finger at may cause you to swerve back-and-fourth on your path and also crash – panic is deadly. Or, it could cause you to overlook a more fundamental issue or root cause and you continue on your path towards failure.

So too with giving and receiving feedback. Looking for reasons to be concerned and making course corrections is healthy. Relying on quick, harsh feedback and drastic corrective measures can also be deadly.

Receiving Candor

Candor Rituals apply just as much to receiving feedback as to giving it. In my post at Confidence Villains, I speak to another way to deal with a confrontation...

In various marital arts, one learns to redirect the opponent’s energy. The harder they come at you, the more they’ll be off balance and the more energy you’ll have to work with. This technique is used in various martial arts including Tai Chi Chuan, Aikido, and Ju Jitsu. Using your opponents’ movements, momentum and focus to your advantage need not be limited to the physical realm. Josh Waitzkin, who include the use of this technique to win the Tai Chi Chuan world championships, would also in chess, on his path to winning nationals, find ways to take advantage of his opponents sense that they had made an effective attack to lure them into a false sense of security causing them to let their guard down and overlook his subtle redirection until it was too late.

In a verbal attack, taking the force head on is typically less effective than of you welcome and even agree with the attack. If someone accuses you of being unethical, the expected response is a defensive one. If you respond: “thank you for pointing that out, I didn’t realize what I was saying could be received as unethical” you have begun to disarm them. You can follow with “that wasn’t my intent, but I’d love to hear your perspective…” you shift from a head-on confrontation to standing shoulder-to-shoulder with them looking at what you said, how it could be interpreted or heard. I have found that often in agreeing with a verbal attack on you, that energy can often be shifted in your favor.

Neutralize the threat

The goal is not to meet aggression with aggression but to redirect the opponent’s energy to neutralize the threat and maintain harmony. This principle applies metaphorically in social interactions: when someone “attacks” with criticism or negativity, you can redirect that energy by staying calm, responding thoughtfully, and even expressing gratitude for the feedback. Instead of being destabilized, you turn the criticism into a productive exchange.

Other framings of using all energy directed at you as positive

Stoicism:

The Stoic philosophers, such as Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus, believed that we cannot control external events or the opinions of others, but we can control how we respond to them. Criticism or negative feedback is not inherently harmful; it is our interpretation and reaction to it that shapes its impact. By reframing negative energy (criticism or opposition) into opportunities for learning, growth, or self-reflection, a person practices emotional resilience. Insult loses its force if we aren’t offended by it.

Emotional Intelligence:

Psychological theories around emotional intelligence, particularly in managing conflict, often promote the idea of reframing—taking criticism or negative emotions and turning them into opportunities for growth. By responding to criticism with curiosity, openness, and gratitude, you convert potentially harmful energy into constructive energy. This aligns with what you described: thanking the critic for their perspective and using the feedback to either improve, learn something new, or clarify your own position.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC):

The NVC approach, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, encourages seeing even critical or hostile feedback as an expression of unmet needs rather than personal attacks. By understanding the other person’s perspective and reflecting on the feedback with empathy, you can transform conflict into productive dialogue. It allows you to create mutual understanding or gain insights, either by adjusting your behavior or better explaining your intentions.

Difficult Conversations, What is Heard

Strong Candor Rituals pay attention to what is heard, not only what is said. What is heard carries more weight than what is said. Understanding how others hear your words can help you learn to adapt your language and approach. In the end, we may discover that what was heard was more inferred than implied. By agreeing with an attacker’s assault, you may find yourself standing shoulder to shoulder next to them and may have converted an adversary into an ally. You can allow your villains to weaken or strengthen you – it all depends on which wolf you feed.

In Difficult Conversations – How to Discuss What Matters Most, Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen also speak to viewing any conflict from a perspective of “contribution” rather than blame – the assumption being that all parties involved typically contribute to some degree to any conflict. When we keep this in mind, it’s also easier to take a shoulder-to-shoulder perspective. Here too though, they focus on contributing factors directly related to the conflict between the two parties and don’t address the other potential Vectors of Influence that may be contributing.

There’s a great TED talk on delivering a receiving criticism as a good thing that challenges us to be better: Adam Grant – WorkLife: How to love criticism.

The Power of “Yet”

Imagine receiving feedback of “you’re not good at giving presentations”, “you’re no expert at running meetings”, “you’re not manager material”, … That phrasing is most likely deflating, taken as criticism, and taken personally. If, however, a slightly altered message it delivered: “you’re not good at giving presentations yet”, “you’re no expert at running meetings yet”, “you’re not manager material yet”, … It can evoke a curiosity. An eagerness to discover what’s missing may result. The impact is lessened and the intent can now be easily framed as helpful. Again, solving a problem or making an improvement is better done in shoulder-to-shoulder collaboration than in face-to-face confrontation. Including “yet” helps establish that you believe in them and their intent.

We’ve since invited Bi-Jingo back a few times to have more classes with actors acting out being the employee receiving feedback and not quite hearing it as exercises for our managers, and everyone has found it to be a very effective way to work through improving on such conversations.

Kim Scott’s Radical Candor

In her book Radical Candor – Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity, Kim Scott describes four quadrants for feedback. Scott explains how caring for someone and remaining silent in terms of providing constructive criticism is actually holding them back from improving. She refers to it as “Ruinous Empathy.” She also describes the opposite of that where you don’t care at all and provide feedback obnoxiously and aggressively. Scott further goes on to also speak to how we receive feedback.

Over the years in sports, business and private life, I’ve discovered that with a simple twist in perspective, I can receive feedback delivered as “Obnoxious Aggression” with the positive benefits of Radical Candor. I seek the value I can extract and recognize that every time someone points out a weakness or failing of mine, they are actually doing me a favor by showing me where I can work on being stronger and more successful. This also dis-empowers any aggressive intent to tear me down. Yes, it sounds easier than it is at first, but once you realize you can do it, it becomes a lot easier.

As Helen Reddy once put it

“You can bend but never break me
‘Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
‘Cause you’ve deepened the conviction in my soul”

Feed-Forward instead of Feedback

Even when feedback concerns the past, Candor Rituals keep it looking forward. In “”Try feedforward instead-feedbac k” Marshall Goldsmith suggests:

“There is a fundamental problem with all types of feedback: it focuses on the past, on what has already occurred—not on the infinite variety of opportunities that can happen in the future. As such, feedback can be limited and static, as opposed to expansive and dynamic.“

While I appreciate the notion and thought that stands behind it, part of the premise is that feedback focuses on mistakes in the past that we can’t change and that we’d rather not be reminded of. Instead, the premise I’m putting forward here is that we see them as gifts of learning opportunities. That being said, seeing them as learning opportunities is actually looking forward as these gifts won’t change the past. However, the value in the gift is that it will change the future.

If feedback is given and received as a gift (whether in performance reviews or code reviews), defensiveness doesn’t get in the way.

Candor Rituals in Coaching

Good coaches practice Candor Rituals with every client they serve. The Co-Active Training Institute, is the oldest and largest international organization to train coaches to be in service of their clients in helping them grow. Much of the coaching terminology is about being candid, holding the client and accountable and challenging them. Clients pay their coaches to help them grow. Being candid and challenging, when done appropriately, is in service of the client. As leaders and managers, we create a win-win scenario when we see the relationship as being symbiotic. We can and should be candid with and challenge those we lead. Even in coaching, Kim Scott’s notion of ruinous empathy exists in that if we only coddle and never challenge our clients implies that we are not really helping them.

Aspects of Candid Coaching Rituals

Co-Active Coaching includes various aspects of being candid and challenging clients:

Accountability – holding clients to account for what they said they were going to do.
Asking Permission – opening the door to access areas of focus. For example, “May I tell you a hard truth?”
Challenging – requesting that a client stretch way beyond his or her self-imposed limits, AND SHAKES UP THE WAY THEY SEE THEMSELVES.
Commitment – asking a client “What are you committed to?”
Evoking Transformation – a coach’s job is to call forth the greatest possibility for the client.
Forwarding Action & Deepening Learning – moving the client forward.
Goal Setting – keeping clients focused and on track toward who they are becoming.
Holding Focus – the coach’s job is to keep the client on track and true to that course.
Inquiring – to provoke further reflection.
Intruding – a coach may need to intrude, to interrupt or wake up a client who is going on and on, or who is kidding himself or herself.
Powerful Questions – holding the client’s agenda and either forward the client’s action or deepen their learning.
Requesting – designed to forward the client’s action. The request includes a specified action, conditions of satisfaction and a date or time by which it will be done.
Taking Charge – a coach may need to take charge and direct the coaching back to what is most meaningful to the client.

Pure Storage’s Founder’s Take

Candor Rituals thrive in cultures that keep asking whether there is a better way. “As we all go through our journey at Pure, remember that we are evolving and changing.
We will never reach perfection, but we should always be striving to do better.
This concept of evolution and change is something that we have incorporated into our company values in
everything you should be asking yourself:
Is there a better way? Can we improve this?
Great ideas for improvement come from all of us. Never be satisfied with the way everyone else has done it. Be satisfied with the right way, the best way and please drive that spirit into everything we do.”

– Coz – Founder and CTO, Pure Storage

Candor Rituals: Meaningful Conversations With Your Boss

One of the most difficult forms of feedback can be “Upward Radical Candor.” People in leadership or authority roles who may also have lots of experience may feel their perspectives hold more weight. They might also have a certain ego that may helped them get to the level they are at. Furthermore, they may have a very direct power over your destiny within an organization, they could control whether you get a raise or promotion. They could determine what interesting assignments you get, or not. If they feel challenged by you, that could influence how much you enjoy your job.

Having them appreciate and trust that you’re coming from a place of wanting to help may be seem and often be trickier than providing feedback to a subordinate or even peer. However, if done effectively, it can greatly improve the work environment, how things are done and truly help the person receiving the feedback. No one is always “right” in every decision they make or perspective they hold. We all can and should continuously learn and grow.

One approach I’ve found useful is the “help me understand …” approach. If you hear or observe something that you feel could be done “better,” you could lead with “Help me understand as I thinking I’m missing something. I would be inclined to take a different approach, and I would appreciate learning the benefits of your approach. Of course, if used too often, they’ll see through it, but will tend to still appreciate this approach as it leaves all perspectives open to consideration without declaring one ass better or worse.

Candor Rituals by the Numbers

P.S. Laura from Bi-Jingo in opening, also mentioned a study that showed managers could have a 39% impact on employee productivity through meaningful conversations. Searching finds the study Managing for High Performance and Retention An HR Toolkit for Supporting the Line Manager which pulled from Datasets with more than 90,000 employees from 135 organizations supported the analyses presented with that report. I do believe there can be very substantial impact on employee performance through good management. However, I’m skeptical the causality could be isolated and measured that precisely. It’s an interesting read nonetheless.

See Also other resources on Candor Rituals

Atomic Rituals Across the Employee Journey

Atomic Rituals: Small Leaps, Big Wins

Atomic Rituals explores the shared behavioral patterns that define a team’s identity and culture. It distinguishes habits, which one person owns, from rituals, which a group practices together. In its words, Atomic Habits is about what you do when no one is watching, while Atomic Rituals is about what we do when everyone is watching. Its comparison shows why rituals need shared ownership and live in workflow, meetings, and culture. Readers will find the foundation for why Candor Rituals are shared practices rather than personal habits.

Hiring Rituals, Atomic Rituals

This page describes deliberate, human-centered hiring that looks past first impressions. It suggests hiring for motivation over credentials: “Hire them not for what they know, but for why they know it.” Interview questions push candidates beyond what they already know, revealing how they handle uncertainty and collaborate. Interviewers then score traits such as curiosity, humility, and growth mindset separately before a shared debrief. Readers will find a natural companion to this page’s ritual of leaving the comfort zone in interviews.

Onboarding Rituals, Atomic Rituals

This page treats onboarding as an extension of hiring rather than a standalone HR task. It offers practical rituals such as preboarding, a 30/60/90-day plan, buddy pairing, and early wins. New hires are also invited to improve the onboarding documentation for the next person. Regular check-ins and feedback loops on onboarding itself help build trust early. Readers will find where the shared expectations behind Candor Rituals can first take root.

Departure Rituals, Atomic Rituals

This page explores how leaders can close working relationships with integrity and care. It argues that departures shape morale, reflect company values, and affect how remaining staff feel valued. It recommends transparent exit processes and departure interviews that surface candid feedback about systemic issues. It also suggests that candid conversations work best when established long before any departure. Readers will find how candor shapes even the final chapter of an employee’s journey.

More on Candor From Talent Whisperers

Where to Begin the Journey?, Talent Whisperers

This post looks at the first conversations that set the foundation for trust with a new team member. It starts with a leader’s conviction that solving for the person’s best interest also serves the organization. Lou Holtz’s three questions frame what people silently ask a new coach: can I trust you, are you committed, and do you care about me? The post then suggests asking about an experience that fundamentally changed someone, which reveals what they value. Readers will find why candor lands best once that foundation of trust is in place.

The Room Where It Happens, Talent Whisperers

This post explores the one-on-one conversations where much of a leader’s real work happens. It stresses establishing trust first, so people never wonder whether a manager is simply solving for more output. Openers such as “Are you happy?” lead into common sources of frustration, including purpose, motivation, craft, efficiency, autonomy, and conflict. The post also encourages making candor a two-way street by inviting feedback on what the leader could do better. Readers will find a setting where Candor Rituals become regular practice rather than a rare event.

Powerful Questions and Active Listening, Talent Whisperers

This guide explores how powerful questions and active listening open more honest, meaningful conversations. It describes a simple listening loop: receive, appreciate, summarize, and ask. Research from MIT suggests the smartest teams share social sensitivity and equal participation in conversation, not just individual intellect. The guide also covers suppressing status, so the most senior person in the room might speak last. Readers will find the listening skills that help shoulder-to-shoulder questions and “help me understand” land as genuine curiosity.

Radical Candor in the Mirror, Talent Whisperers

This post turns Kim Scott’s 2×2 inward and asks how we can be radically candid with ourselves. It names three traps: delusional self-love, self-destructive minimalization, and ruinous, self-loving denial. The alternative is an opportunity-embracing growth mindset that looks in the mirror for areas to improve. A story about Brad Smith, then Intuit’s CEO, handing out The Five Dysfunctions of a Team ends with a suggestion: gift a mirror with the book. Readers will find the self-reflection that makes receiving candor from others a little easier.

Giving and Receiving Candor

Radical Candor, Kim Scott

Kim Scott’s Radical Candor is the framework these Candor Rituals grew from. It asks us to care personally and challenge directly at the same time. The site contrasts this with ruinous empathy, obnoxious aggression, and manipulative insincerity. It also calls feedback the atomic building block of management and teaches teams to get, give, and gauge it. Readers will find a weekly blog, a podcast, and keynotes and workshops for putting the framework into practice.

On Receiving (and Truly Hearing) Radical Candor, First Round Review

In this 2016 article, Kim Scott and Russ Laraway turn from giving candor to receiving it. They argue that leaders have to ask for criticism, both directly and indirectly, rather than wait for it. Examples include CEOs sharing their own 360 reviews and Scott giving a crystal statue to an employee who proved her wrong. Laraway also describes Whoops the Monkey, an all-hands ritual where people shared a mistake from the past week. Readers will find a vivid case for candor as a shared team ritual rather than an individual habit.

How to Not Be Defensive When Receiving Feedback, Hugh Molotsi

Hugh Molotsi, formerly VP of Innovation and Engineering Fellow at Intuit, offers seven steps for receiving feedback graciously. He notes that the amygdala pushes us into fight-or-flight just when we most need to listen. His steps include listening actively, thanking the giver, acknowledging what resonates, and asking clarifying questions. Only after building that goodwill does he suggest sharing our own perspective. Readers will find a practical companion to receiving criticism as a gift. His Christmas sweater analogy reminds us that we still decide what to do with the feedback.

The Power of Believing That You Can Improve, Carol Dweck

Carol Dweck’s TEDx talk opens with three words: the power of yet. She describes a Chicago high school that gave students who had not passed a course the grade “Not Yet,” which offers a path into the future. Her research contrasts a growth mindset, which engages with errors, with a fixed mindset gripped by what she calls the tyranny of now. She also recommends praising the process, such as effort, strategies, focus, and improvement, rather than intelligence or talent. Readers will find the research behind one of the simplest Candor Rituals: adding a single word, yet.

How to Love Criticism, Adam Grant (WorkLife)

In this WorkLife episode, Adam Grant explores why criticism stings and how we might learn to crave it. He visits Bridgewater Associates, where Ray Dalio shared a colleague’s “D-minus” review of his own meeting with the whole company. Kim Scott joins to explain why the feedback sandwich fails and why stating an intention to be helpful matters. Grant also describes building a challenge network and keeping a second score: how well we took the feedback. Readers will find a vivid companion to receiving criticism as a gift.

On Upward Candor:

How to Give Your Boss Feedback, Harvard Business Review

Amy Gallo’s 2010 article starts from a common dilemma: we often see our boss’s performance up close. Yet sharing that insight can feel like a risk to our job or our relationship. Gallo calls this upward feedback and acknowledges that it can be tricky to master. Offered thoughtfully, she argues, it can help the boss and also improve the working relationship. Readers will find support for the ritual of meaningful, candid conversations with our own boss.

Brandi Neal: How to Practice Radical Candor With Your Boss
Angela Lötscher: How to Practice Radical Candor with Your Boss
Kim Scott: How to Practice Radical Candor With Your Boss
Forbes: How To Deliver Constructive Feedback To Your Manager
Indeed: How To Give Your Manager Feedback (With Examples)
BetterUp: How to give feedback to your boss: tips for getting started
Lattice: How to Give Your Boss Feedback Without Sounding Like a Jerk

On the need for holding people accountable and why leaders struggle with it:

One Out of Every Two Managers Is Terrible at Accountability, Harvard Business Review

Darren Overfield and Rob Kaiser’s 2012 article asks which leadership behavior executives most often neglect. Their answer is not strategy, delegation, or planning, but holding people accountable. As the title suggests, about half of managers struggle with it. However tough leaders talk about performance, many step back when it is time to act. Readers will find why candor matters most exactly where leaders feel the heat.

First Round: Our 6 Must Reads for Cutting Through Conflict and Tough Conversations
Entrepreneur: 6 Actions Even the Least Confrontational Managers Must Take to Hold Employees Accountable
Forbes: How To Improve Management Accountability In Your Organization
Medium: How to Really Hold People Accountable
Predictive Index: Holding employees accountable: where most leaders fail
Insperity: How to improve accountability in the workplace in 5 steps
HR Bartender: Hold Managers Accountable For Developing Talent
Thought Leader: 4 Reasons Why You Can’t Hold People Accountable
INC: Why Great Leaders Struggle to Hold Their Employees Accountable
INC: The No. 1 Mistake Managers Make When Holding Their Staff Accountable
Forbes: The Best Managers – Always – Hold People Accountable